Public service announcement: The following situation may lead to a pointlessly wasted hour and a half of your life.

You’re bored and looking for something to do. A friend stops by and says, “Hey, I heard about this comedy called ‘Movie 43’ where a ton of movie stars do raunchy sketches. It sounds pretty funny, want to go?”

The correct reply is: “Hell no.”

Locate the nearest emergency exit, bolt out the door and don’t look back. This is not a drill. Do not pass “Go.” Do not collect $200. It is not an exaggeration to say “Movie 43” may be the most ridiculously terrible movie ever passed off as entertainment.

How and why half of Hollywood wound up in this slow, painful train wreck is still a mystery. The sorry parade of duped stars includes Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Halle Berry, Naomi Watts, Gerard Butler, Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Uma Thurman, Terrence Howard, Kristen Bell, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common and “McLovin.”

They must have all been conned, blackmailed, paid obscene amounts of money or possessed by some sort of mass hypnosis or black magic.

The so-called plot centers around an actor (Quaid) pitching a screenplay to a studio executive (Kinnear). His script — basically a drawn-out “Saturday Night Live” episode — is so crude and moronic it could’ve been written by wasted tweens. But on and on it slogs, sketch after painful sketch.

It opens with Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet on a romantic blind date. They’re at an upscale restaurant, laughing and flirting until Jackman takes off his scarf and BAM — a huge pair of fake balls dangles from his neck. That’s the sketch: Winslet’s disgusted reaction to Jackman’s testicle turkey neck and the wacky hijinks that ensue (He spills soup on them).

So if you’ve ever wondered what Jackman would look like as a “Ballchinian” from “Men in Black,” here it is. Enjoy.

In another clever sketch, Johnny Knoxville gets his best friend Seann William Scott a birthday present. Surprise: he caught a leprechaun — yes, the Irish fairytale kind — and it’s tied up in the basement. They interrogate the wee man (Gerard Butler’s face on a tiny CGI body) to give up his pot of gold. The only redeeming value is Butler squeaking foul-mouthed insults in an “Alvin and the Chipmunks” voice.

But wait, there’s more: Superhero speed-dating. Batman (Jason Sudeikis) and Robin (Justin Long) are trying to thwart plots by The Penguin and The Riddler. But in the meantime, these crazy kids have tongue-tied conversations with Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) and Supergirl (Kristen Bell). Not much else to say about this particular winning scenario.

To break up the stream of ingenious spoofs, this brilliant satire also airs fake commercials, like an advertisement for the iBabe where hip youngsters rock out with headphones on.

In a later meeting at this unnamed company, an executive (Richard Gere) wonders why so many customers have complained about the music player shaped like a full-size naked woman. They soon discover where the problem lies — a high-powered cooling fan located in the so-called “vagi-port.” Connect the dots.

This keen social commentary blows all other topical references away. “The Onion” should just stop trying.

Other high points feature Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin dirty-talking into a supermarket loudspeaker (while customers eavesdrop), 1950s basketball coach Terrence Howard mocking “Glory Road” with a racist pump-up speech, Halle Berry playing Truth or Dare, and a bunch of insensitive guys including Christopher Mintz-Plasse (“McLovin”) bumbling through a poor girl’s first period.

Add a couple more crass insults and poop gags and that’s “Movie 43.” The studio was so ashamed that they tried to hide the film in the dead of January. The real telling statistic is this: there was not one real laugh. Maybe a few light chuckles, if only for seeing Butler cursing people out as a leprechaun.

We may never know how and why this revolting blob of a film was allowed to exist, or even why it’s called “Movie 43.” It will forever remain a skid mark on the underpants of Hollywood.

Published on January 31, 2013 at 12:25 am

Contact Rob: rjmarvin@syr.edu