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Wednesday, Aug. 23, 2017

Dear Students, Faculty and Staff (and most importantly, Donors):

I want to welcome back all our customers to campus. I hope your academic and social pursuits soar this semester. I remember what it was like when I was back in school. Like you, I often enjoyed my free time, even neglecting some homework to build a model bridge or two. I hope your campus experience this semester will benefit from the hard work we have done over the summer.

Before I begin my giddy report with the exciting new updates to campus, I want to extend a very sincere “thank you” over this email to the hardworking people who spent their summer making the campus a less depressing place. I know most of you won’t notice, but we significantly improved a few places that nobody goes to on campus. Our hardworking employees stood around one project tirelessly for weeks, working toward the important, beautiful and probably unrealistic Campus Framework plan created by a wonderful man, Chancellor Kent Syverud.

I know most of you won’t notice any of these changes, but here are some significant projects we worked on:

• Carnegie Library: The work we did was deafening at the most silent place on campus. Work will continue in what we believe to be the first two weeks of the semester, but will mostly take place during midterms and finals week. You were fine with the temperature in the building, but we’re putting in new heating and cooling systems anyway. We must protect those books someone checks out once a year.

• Center for Science and Technology roof replacement: You don’t even know where that is, but we raised the roof…and replaced it.

• Classroom upgrades: Renovations on classrooms you will literally never be in are nearing completion. If you have a weird major and are scheduled to be in these classrooms, you will be able to sit in them when the semester begins. But again, most of the finishing touches will take place during your in-class midterms and finals. It shouldn’t be anything to worry about, just some light drilling and jackhammering.

• Hendricks Chapel stair replacement: The fence around the entrance to Hendricks Chapel will be temporarily removed for an alumni couple’s wedding, but will be replaced immediately afterward. If you want to go to church, use the back door.

• Residence hall improvements: The residence hall you don’t live in or the residence hall you used to live in will complete its massive renovations this week.

• Women’s Building: Installation of a new wood sprung dance floor in room 211 is complete. Yes, that is a real project and no, we do not know who needs to dance in room 211 so badly they needed a new floor.

• Parking garage repair and renewal: The administration heard concerns and requests of students, so a great deal of energy and effort was put into a project every student was concerned about: parking garages. We repaired the concrete everyone was concerned about, don’t worry.

To see a full listing of summer construction projects, (remember to copy and paste the end part that nobody reads, Pete)…

Welcome back to campus, everybody. I look forward to seeing you around our improved campus, which I will take all the credit for. If you see me, feel free to say “hello” and maybe bow down because remember, I got you all Paul McCartney. Feel free to ask me any questions, except how much everything costs — I don’t know. If you were upset about the $6 million University Place promenade, then you won’t like the real answer anyway.

Sincerely,

(Insert name here)

Joshua Feinblatt is a senior television, radio and film major. He hacked into Pete Sala’s email using the password “gentrification.” You can reach him on Twitter @joshfeinblatt or by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu — or at Pete Sala’s email address, because he’ll see it anyway.

Published on August 23, 2017 at 4:33 pm