After 168 years of service, the Sun is leaving the city of Syracuse.

“I think that after a while you just want to shake things up,” said a relieved Sun. “There’s more for me out there.”

For a century and a half, the Sun has provided services to the city of Syracuse such as melting snow off cars, giving those on Accutane sunburn and providing hope in January. But just like many Syracuse residents, the Sun has just grown tired of the frigid temperatures.

“I just can’t do this anymore,” he said with a groan, “and now, with the worst winter since 1902? It’s just confirming how I’ve always felt. ”

This is why the Sun has announced he is leaving the city he has called home for so long. According to the Sun, he has been mulling this decision for years now, and said he has grown restless enough where he knows in his heart it’s time to go.

Syracuse University officials are working day and night in order to get the Sun back to campus. One unnamed campus official knows how bad it has gotten in Syracuse, but knows that losing the Sun would be devastating.

“Look, we’ve already suspended our basketball team from the postseason, if the Sun leaves, we’re screwed. We might as well shut down partying at Castle Court.”

SU’s team of lawyers is digging in deep to get the Sun back to the Salt City. Early drawings of a new contract have been leaked to The Daily Orange via TMZ. To get him to stay, Syracuse is planning to offer the Sun free Jimmy John’s subs for a year, the key to the city and exclusive access to the chancellor’s Batmobile.

But detractors would argue about whether the Sun has put enough effort to warrant staying. For years, this burning celestial body has left the city for multiple months at a time, and some aren’t so sure how loyal this star has been in the first place.

In addition, some residents question the Sun’s integrity.

“Look, all I know is that the Moon has never left us, and never will,” said disgruntled resident Jack Frost, “If he wants to leave, fine, it just confirms all of the suspicion that he has no heart, and will never earn the affection of this city. Look, the Moon has been here through it all and has never complained, not even when he almost went away completely and turned into that C thing.”

The Sun is the currently largest star in our sky, and sometimes the biggest star needs to shoot across this great world of ours. For better or worse.

“I know there’s a lot on the horizon, I’m looking forward to this opportunity for a while now,” the Sun said. “I’m trying to leave on the best terms as possible, but any disagreement will have rough patches. I appreciate everything Syracuse has done for me and what they continue to do for its community, but I have a lot more I want to accomplish.”

The Sun is alluding to his acting career, which started strong with a run on a television series as well as a cereal endorsement. But once he moved to Syracuse, he had to let those dreams go.

“It’s about my legacy. I don’t want to be another child star who never fulfilled his potential. Did I love my role on ‘Teletubbies’ and in those Raisin Bran ads? Absolutely. But that part of my life is over now, and I want to be remembered as something greater.”

So where to now?

“I don’t know — I’ve always wanted to spend a few weeks in Cabo. I think it’s about finding out who I really am. In the words of the Beatles: ‘All You Need is Love’ … What? You’re serious? There’s a Beatles song called ‘Here Comes the Sun?’ No way. I’m sorry, I have to text my mom.”

Danny Cuneo is a junior television, radio and film major. His boobs cannot tell the weather. His column runs every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at dacuneo@syr.edu.

Published on March 5, 2015 at 12:01 am