Today I will be writing for the role of First Year Players’ most senior new member.

For those of you who don’t know what FYP is, I’m sorry. First Year Players, henceforth and already referred to as FYP because I follow no rules of writing in these columns anymore, is a theater group on campus whose entire cast is made up of first-year students. The crew consists of older students who were either in the show themselves or joined on crew when they were older.

So, why should you take me, FYP? Or, more importantly, why should I write an entire article with the persuasive structure of a high school SAT essay — though still with the whimsical, flippant nature necessary to create relatable content?

Well, first and foremost, I’m inspired by your philanthropy where you sell grilled cheeses on street corners. I’m in love with cheese. Case in point: Before bed, I often just scroll through those food videos that are so popular on Facebook and watch the ones that involve pouring melted cheese.

At the same time, I’m also in love with FYP. It’s my favorite way to support my obviously favorite cause. I would buy a grilled cheese from someone on the street no matter what, but when the person selling it to me had a starring role in “Heathers,” I’m more than sold.

Speaking of “Heathers,” there were three months immediately following your performance last year that I listened to nothing but the soundtrack. My roommates would frequently come in to me blasting “Candy Store.” I tried to request “Dead Girl Walking (Reprise)” at a few house parties because it is such an anthem, but those artless buffoons who so generously opened their house up to binge-drinking strangers refused.

Similarly, a few weeks ago I “ended up” at a party with many members of the “Heathers” cast and they turned on a song from the show. I believe it was the opening number “Beautiful,” but my brain from the night is legally forgetful. It quickly turned into a memory recall of the blocking — see? I know theater terms — of the show from all of the members there. While everybody else at the party groaned, I loved it and watched from the couch wishing I knew the routine and could join in.

Is this starting to sound a bit like the creepy twist ending to “Heathers”? Are you starting to think I’m begging to get into “Heathers,” a show that sold out a year ago? Should I say the word “Heathers” one more time, meaninglessly, just to fulfill the rule of three in writing?

Well, my closing argument, in which I tie everything together with emotion and skill, actually involves this year’s show, “Big Fish” — which I am very excited for. I had a fish this semester. He wasn’t a big fish, he was a betta fish, but I was very attached to him until he tragically passed on his two-week birthday. He was a very pretty fish.

I don’t know if this came across, but I know nothing about the show “Big Fish.”

I am the perfect senior for the position you are not trying to fill because I am a quick learner with a debatably effortless comedic delivery. My previous theater credentials include Narrator #2, in a play in which Narrator #1 quit to join the 8th grade basketball team but I was not moved up to their spot, and Unnamed Cheerleader #3.

Please let me join your friend group, FYP. I’ve spent four too many years on the outside.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She will be seeing the Thursday performance of Big Fish. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or email her at paterhun@syr.edu.

Published on April 12, 2017 at 10:30 pm