I promise, as your columnist, for as long as this weekly column sputters on my imaginative fumes, to make a couple promises, and that’s exactly what I’ll start with:

I will not make fun of sorority girls, Prada bags or black pants.

I will not once –– not even once –– use the words “materialism” or “social stratification.”

I will not complain about student apathy –– because I am too apathetic myself to care.

I will not swear, because if a journalist can’t articulate a point without cursing, quite frankly, he ain’t worth a shit.

I will not write columns about instant messenger, away messages, IM conversations that lead to break-ups or, worse yet, the poetic profile platitudes that beg forgiveness.

I will not rejoice over my Spring Break escapades, because I know they’re no better, or no worse, than yours — and they’d make for an equally boring column.

I will not try to use this column as a device for enacting social change. Unless, of course, that change would require my landlord to shovel our front steps.

I will not criticize classes or professors, because I don’t go to class often enough to have an educated opinion on either.

I will not complain about the Syracuse weather — no matter how cold, how windy, how gray or how depressing.

I will not stop writing after 300 words if I still have more to say.

I will not present my columns in haiku-, limerick- or crossword puzzle-form.

I will not speak about female masturbation, nor will I indulge myself in any other subjects about which, sadly, I know nothing.

I will not hint, suggest or imply that the typical Newhouse student, simply for being part of an overrated school, is any smarter than the typical Syracuse University student.

I will not pen the token “Marijuana should be legal” column, the token “Archbold Gym is too crowded” column or the token “Public Safety sucks” column.

I will not muse about the Freshman 15 –– because that mint chocolate chip ice cream is damn good, isn’t it?

I will not forget that, every once in a while, readers deserve a serious subject presented from an insightful point of view.

Exactly what the subject is, I’m not sure quite yet.

Chico Harlan is a junior newspaper major. E-mail him at apharlan@syr.edu.

Published on January 19, 2003 at 12:00 pm